What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 02:18
Im still living with it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was very sick at this time too.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I never cut or harmed myself..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We were not on the streets..
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But ive been too sick for many years..
I write beautiful poetry .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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She loved him until the end.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I couldn’t, believe it.
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But it wasn’t much.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He knew the spot.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I will be 64.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was seconnd youngest,
(And it was in our own minds.)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was in good health!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So, i spoilt her more .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My family never makes their pension either.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I don,t even have a pension.
Comes on , in middle age.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She wouldn,t have been !
I said to her
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I waited trembling.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It was going to be , some day.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
What did i know ?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I think the readers, may guess!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
All the time i was locked up.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But, we were locked up after school.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Who then, do I blame.?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was scared of men, in general
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Put me off passion for life!!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One cannot live in the past .
I was 9 years of age.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And i lived it daily.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My life is so biszare .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Would this be the day?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
This is soul school!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Ive learnt so much.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
When she asked me how she looked .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Was to survive, this bastard.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We all went to grammer schools
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I have no regrets .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She found it foreign!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She married twice! .
So whats the point in blame.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!